An old Taoist book, the Zhuangzi (say "jwahng-dzuh"), tells of a ruler of Lu who puts on a banquet for a sea bird. The bird has landed on the outskirts, and he brings it to the ancestral temple, with court music and an ox, a sheep and a pig killed for its food. The bird won't eat or drink, and in three days it dies. The text says he offered the bird what he'd want himself, not what a bird needs, and it goes on to list what a bird should have, including eels. When you offer help, it's easy to give what you'd want yourself. Say your partner had a hard afternoon and talked it through with you, and took none of your advice: what they used was the listening. Before you help someone today, look at what they used last time, and give them that again.